Tenacity

That Oswald Chambers sure knows what he is talking about. He says this:

Tenacity is more than endurance, it is endurance combined with the absolute certainty that what we are looking for is going to transpire. Tenacity is more than hanging on, which may be but the weakness of being too afraid to fall off. Tenacity is the supreme effort of a man refusing to believe that his hero is going to be conquered.... If our hopes are being disappointed just now, it means that they are being purified. There is nothing noble the human mind has ever hoped for or dreamed of that will not be fulfilled. One of the greatest strains in life is the strain of waiting for God.

I feel that strain in this stage of my life. Although it is the strain of waiting for God, the words I would use to describe it and the words Jesus is inviting me to embrace are - letting go. Let go. Let go and wait for God. There is an outcome, a result to the letting go. It's not in vain. The outcome - purification.

Wait.
Let go.
Pure.

I may not like the process but I sure like the sound of the outcome.

Snow Day

Currently outside my window there is snow and some freezing rain/sleet/wetness is currently falling from the sky. I know that I hate snow but there is something pure and beautiful about it. As I was outside cleaning off my car this morning I noticed there is just a peaceful silence that surrounds snowfall that seems to speak volumes. That is until some car goes whizzing by. But in that still moment there really is tremendous beauty.

I love that as I was brushing mountains of snow off my car, there was this bird chirping while sitting in a tree nearby. I'm sure it was freezing it's feathers off and saying what I have been saying since around January 12 - I'm so over winter. It was just a precious reminder that although winter is here and the harsh temperatures and weather will linger a while longer, spring is around the corner. The winter makes the spring that much more brilliant.

I had a similar experience with a bird about this time last year. There is a blog in my archive about that. It's funny how God uses repeated circumstances/situations in our lives to remind us of truth. Spring is coming. It is almost upon us. But if my eyes are solely focused on spring, I may miss those moments of pure, quiet beauty that only come in winter. Truth - they are easier to recognize when it's a snow day.

flashes

Last night I had an odd dream. In part of it, I got caught using the men’s room. The scene, if you will, unfolded like this. The view I had was from the toilet looking out. So, I was looking at a closed stall door; at least I assume it was me. Next scene flashes and there is a gaping hole where the door is supposed to lock and a man is looking at me. I have no idea if I am clothed or not at this point. Remember the scene is from my point of view. I felt like the woman in the Southwest Airlines commercial – gotta get away? At least she was only trying to save her contact and not actually using the bathroom for bathroom purposes.

The next scene flashes and I am looking around the bathroom trying to figure out how I could have mistaken this for the ladies room. There weren’t any urinals in there, the classic men’s room fixture. There were, however, a row of small, normal looking public restroom toilets lining a wall with no doors on them. A modern urinal perhaps? At this point I said something out loud in the dream to the effect of – oh, so that’s why those toilets didn’t have doors on them. The guy responds with yeah or duh; can’t remember which. Next scene flashes and I am walking outside the bathroom and glance around for a men’s room sign but there isn’t one. I’m trying to get away out of embarrassment but everywhere I turn there is someone else who knows I was in the men’s room. Meanwhile there was only one other guy in there that I saw but whatever. Oh and no, I didn’t recognize his face at all.

The rest of the dream, at least the rest of what I remember, doesn’t seem to have anything to do with me in the men’s room incident so I won’t include that here. I can’t help but wonder, what in the world does that dream mean? I sure hope it’s not one of those ‘peek in to the future,’ possible later déjà vu moments where I will someday find myself using the men’s room.

All I do know is that I woke up with a giant headache. Being caught in the men’s room can do that to you.

Fabulousness

I love the show Ugly Betty. A friend of mine gave me an Ugly Betty calendar for Christmas not only to commemorate our mutual love of the show but because of the students I work with on a daily basis. This month the character Marc is highlighted. There is the following exchange/quote listed on the page:

Betty says to Marc - You know what Marc, I learned something about family tonight....They're not always the ones who turn out to love you the most. Maybe it's more about the family you make for yourself. There's a lot of people who love you for who you are.

Marc responds - Okay, okay, getting a little too Lifetime Original Movie. But I get it. If she doesn't want me in her life, it's her loss. Because I'm freakin' fabulous.

This exchange speaks to me about many different things but the one I'll comment on is this, I am freakin' fabulous too.

I seem to have this mental/heart level/whatever it is kind of inability to remember that. I compare myself to others too often and naturally I fall short. God says I'm precious, loved, delightful etc but many days I doubt he was talking about me. The truth of the matter is I am who God says I am, no matter what anyone else thinks or says.

The truth of the matter is I am freakin' fabulous and there are a lot of people who love me for who I am. For that I am grateful.

Long Time No Blog

I can't believe an entire month went by (well, more actually) since I last wrote a post. What did happen to January? Anyway, I am going to try to post more often. I think over the past month or so I've felt this pressure to have something creative, funny, meaningful etc. to say before I post. Rubbish I tell you. It's a lie; call it like it is. I want to write (it's kind of why I started this blog). So then by golly write I shall.

Random side note - has anyone noticed that the days are getting longer? On the train home tonight I looked out the window after exiting the tunnel and realized I could actually see out the train window. Usually I see nothing but myself looking back at me. Not anymore. Daylight is lingering, even if it's ever so slightly. That makes my bring on spring, give me summer, break out the flip-flops, sun-loving heart happy; very happy indeed. I don't care what Punxsutawney Phil (aka the groundhog) says. [oh yes my non-PA dwelling friends, the groundhog does have a name] Spring is near.

Cookie

Too bad there is no sound with that title. When I wrote it, it sounded just like Cookie Monster.

I hosted a Cookie Exchange at my apartment Sunday. Friends baked six-ish dozen of one of their favorite holiday cookies and brought those with them. After nibbling on some snacks, drinking hot and cold beverages and catching up, we began the exchange. Each of us were able to pick a pre-determined amount of each others cookies to have as our own. In the end each of us walked away with an assortment of yummy holiday cookies and treats. Wanna come over for some cookies and milk…or tea…or coffee…

Some friends asked if this will be a yearly tradition. I sure hope so.

*Happy Anniversary to me! Two years ago yesterday I moved into my apartment in Philadelphia. Time certainly flies by.

Beauty in the Breakdown

Lately God has been showing me a lot of different things. One of the things he has been showing me is how over the years I have built up some pretty high walls. As a result, my heart has become pretty callous about some things. Jesus is inviting me, once again, to allow those walls to be torn down and the calluses penetrated. It’s time.

One of the ways God has been showing me these things is through the sermons at church. This week, at the end of the sermon, our pastor JR asked us what Jesus is asking us to do. Good question. So, I asked him there in the service. The conversation went something like this:

D: Jesus, what are you asking me to do?

J: Let go.

D: What does that mean?

J: Let go.

D: Okay but how do I do that?

J: Let go.

I never said I wasn’t stubborn. After I realized that ‘let go’ is the answer to nearly every question I have been asking and actually heard Jesus’ words, a song immediately came into my mind. Until Sunday afternoon I had never really listened to any of the words. Now, strange as it may seem, these words are what I will need to hold onto in this process. Nearly every word applies. My equation – brokenness = ugliness. Who wants to be broken? But apparently, there is beauty in the breakdown. Something tells me I’m going to need to be reminded of that several times over the coming days.

Let Go by Frou Frou

drink up, baby down
mmm, are you in or are you out
leave your things behind
'cause it's all going off without you
excuse me, too busy you're writing your tragedy
these mishaps you bubble wrap
when you've no idea what you're like

so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
so let go, just get in
oh, it's so amazing here
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown

it gains the more it gives
and then it rises with the fall
so hand me that remote
can't you see that all that stuff's a sideshow
such boundless pleasure
we've no time for later now
you can't await your own arrival
you've 20 seconds to comply

so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
so let go, just get in
oh, it's so amazing here
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown